Document 99kBRmVNQM8NNxOo09Qbg7Mye

The U. s. is the country where as soon as a man can afford to buy a Ford, he buys a Cadillac. Baseball-knowing wives have a simple recipe for teaching husbands how to clothe the baby in the basic garment, according to Meyer Berger of The Mew Tork Times. They tell him to lay the cloth out like a baseball diamond and stand at the batter's box. Bring second base over to home plate, put the baby in the pitcher's box. Now bring first base, third base and home plate together and pin. If the game is rained out, start over again with dry diamond. A pair of city vacationers were hiking through the Kentucky hill country when they passed a shack whose rickety porch held the recumbent forms of two lanky menfolk. As they watched, a woman emerg ed from the open door, battered bucket in hand. She proceeded to douse the two men with water. They didn't budge. Look ing up, and noticing the two frankly staring outlanders, she voiced this explanation: `Keeps th' flics ofTn 'em." The peasants revolted against the maharaja because he was letting the tigers run wild. It was the first time a reign was called on account of game. You always have to remember that your back yard may be someone else's front yard. ' The rain is raining all around; It rains on all the nations. It rains a lot on many things-- But mostly on vacations. Siltin' and wishin' Won't improve our fate; The Lord provides the fishes, But we gotta dig the bait. Patrick Henry said, "Give me liberty or give me death," His descendants now just say "Gimme." Vision is what we admit we have when we find that wc guessed correctly. It's too bad that the only men who can solve the world's problems are too busy sitting on the front porch whittling. * Hey, Dad, I'm home from school again." 'What in the world did you do now?" "Graduated." Father to small boy dragging top half of Bikini bathing suit along the beach: "Now show Daddy exactly where you found it.. Why didn't Noah swat those two flies when he had such a good chance? These days an order is like a Bikini bathing suit--it takes a good figure to get away with it. There is no cure for birth or death save to enjoy the interval. A pastor in a certain American parish was busy taking a census of his parishioners. It was his custom to ask the children in each home that he visited these four questions: "What is your name? How old are you? Do you say your prayers? Do you know what will happen to bad children who do not say their prayers?" One good mother wanted her five- year- old to make a good showing, so she re hearsed him carefully in the answers to the usual questions. There was surprise and consternation on both sides when the pastor called at this particular home and was greeted at the door In this fashion: "My name is Jerry Jones; I'm five years old; say my prayers every morning; go to hell." Most people's financial, problems arc simple. They're short of money. Mother sought to effect an improvement in the deportment of the children by offering a reward each Saturday for the most obedi ent of the family during the week. "Shucks! That's not fair," young Oscar complained. "Daddy will win every time!" About al! that man has learned the past 25 years is how to go faster, work less, spend more, and die quicker. Best way to get ahead these days is to act like a swimming duck . . . keep cool on top but paddle like the dickens underneath. "That chair," a businessman told a visitor, '`cost J5,000." "Says you!" replied the visitor. "How could a chair like that be worth S5,000?" "That's what it cost me last year," the businessman explained, "sitting in it and thinking, instead of going out after busi ness." Tolerance is usually based on the suspicion that the other guy might be right, after all. "You are very run down," said the doctor to his patient, "I would suggest you lay off golf for a while and get in a good day at the office now and then." A Boston brokerage advertised for "a young Harvard graduate or the equivalent." Among the answers was one from a Yale man. "When you speak of equivalent," he wrote, "do you mean two Princeton men or a Yale man half time?" A logger was explaining to a city girl what a menace insects are to lumbermen--the pine beetle destroys the pine trees--the fir borer destroys the fir trees, etc. The city cutic listened attentively, then exclaimed: "And the poor dairy people, how the butterflies must bother them." The fellow next door says the nicest thing about summer is that it's always too hot to do the things we didn't do last winter be cause it was too cold. *OWERFAX, SUMMER 1955 3i